Friday, 23 July 2010

Back In The Saddle Again...



When I was nine years old I desperately wanted a pony. A white pony, with flowing mane and tail, that I would name Silver. Silver would be my best friend, I would plait wildflowers and ribbons into her mane and we would have great adventures together, roaming the countryside. I christened my bicycle 'Silver' and attached ribbons to the handlebars to use as reins, and the bike became an imaginary pony.


My parents couldn't afford a real pony, but they did agree to send my sister and I for riding lessons at a nearby stables. I was overjoyed - until reality set in. The pony I was given to ride, Star, seemed impossibly huge (my younger sister was given a fat little Shetland pony to ride called Teddy, whose much lower centre of gravity seemed a desirable asset). Star's lack of anchor points to hold onto also seemed a serious defect - once teetering in the saddle, the stirrups and reins seemed wholly inadequate to keep me from toppling off. I had no great aptitude for riding and could not for the life of me cope with Star attempting anything faster than a slow amble. Most of the time I was quite frankly terrified. After a few weeks the inevitable happened and I fell crashing to the ground - breaking my arm in the process. As the riding instructor picked me up and dusted me down, she gave me a kindly, yet brisk talking to, about stiff upper lips and how it was essential to get straight back on the horse to ensure I wasn't put off riding in the future. Too late. I was already put off, and in fact nothing on the planet could have induced me to clamber back on Star's patient back at that moment in time.


And that was the end of my equestrian dreams. At the age of nine and a half I hung up my riding hat and decided to concentrate on becoming a secret agent instead.


******

How often do we give up in the face of discouragement? It's not always a bad thing - sometimes it is good to know one's limitations and be realistic. How many 'Pop Idol/X Factor' hopefuls who can't sing a note insist in their post-audition interview that pop stardom is their one dream and they won't be discouraged in the face of rejection? When so many people with truly wonderful voices never attain stardom, how realistic is it for tone-deaf talentless wannabes to imagine stardom is just around the corner? Would it not be better for them to realise their limitations and concentrate on finding out what they're really good at - cake decorating or brain surgery or teaching or breeding new strains of auriculas?


On the other hand, how easy it is to let a set-back hold us back. How often do we let fear of failure stop us from even trying?


******


When T and I split up, I was full of fear about my future. My marriage had given me a sense of security, emotional and financial. I thought I knew what life had in store for me, yet suddenly the rug was pulled from under me, and I felt like a complete failure. I was afraid. My future looked bleak, as everything I thought I could rely on was suddenly thrown into chaos. I expected that I would have to move from Halfway Up A Hill, and I panicked about how I could afford a new property with room for the animals. I knew I would have to get a paid job again, and the length of time since I had last been in paid employment convinced me that would be impossible. I could not imagine that I would ever find love again. I envisioned a cold, lonely, impoverished and uncertain future ahead of me.


Unlike falling off a horse and deciding not to get back on, I had no choice this time. Life was going to carry on, and not re-engaging with it wasn't an option.


Luckily, my financial situation turned out not be as scary as I had imagined. The divorce settlement allowed me to stay at Halfway Up A Hill - for the time being anyway. That gave me some breathing space in which to lick my wounds and take time easing back into the workforce. Amazingly, and quite unlooked for, a new romantic relationship developed out of an existing friendship. I was resistant at first, not wanting to ruin a good friendship 'on the rebound'. Yet IB and I have been together for over a year now and quite honestly I believe it is the best, healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Even so, it has been challenging at times for both of us. Starting a relationship in one's forties is quite a different kettle of fish than in one's twenties - the last time I was dating before this (do people even say dating any more? It sounds so teenager-y - but I digress...). At this time in our lives we are both quite set in our ways, which needs careful negotiation, yet at the same time we are more comfortable in our own skins and sure of what we want from life.


******


My bike 'Silver' is long gone (though fondly remembered) and it has been a good few years since I have cycled at all. I bought a bike about fifteen years ago but found it too much like hard work and it languished mostly unused in the garage. It has finally gone, cleared away with a lot of other stuff in my life that was no longer needed or wanted.


IB however, is a keen cyclist and has convinced me that my problem with cycling was the wrong bike. We have found me a good secondhand bike on Ebay which we picked up earlier this week. It needs a few improvements before I can ride it (the brakes need some work), but I am feeling a mixture of excitement at the thought of riding a bike again along with fear at the prospect. Am I too old? Too unfit? What if I make a fool of myself and fall off? How will I manage those Welsh hills? And yet I remember the sense of freedom and joy that cycling used to bring all those years ago. Is cycling still for me? I don't know. But I am willing to give it a try, a good try, knowing that initially muscles will ache and joints will creak, yet with practice I will improve.


Sometimes, it pays to know when not to get back in the saddle. Horse riding was not for me, and I saved myself a lot of grief (and my parents a lot of money) by quitting when I did.


But sometimes you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start all over again. Despite having my self-confidence and trust in others severely dented, I was brave enough to start a new relationship and I am so glad I did. It has helped the sun come out again.


Sometimes you just need to take a gamble and try again. Begin a new relationship, buy a new bike, try something new and different. You never know, getting back in the saddle just may be the best decision you ever made.









12 comments:

the wild magnolia said...

Wonderful post, full of metaphors of encouragement to get back in the saddle again, be it a bicycle, a horse, or a relationship!

Thank you!

Griffin said...

Riding a bike was the easy bit for me, even tho' I haven't done it for years, once I'd learned, I loved it.

Falling in love however is another matter entirely. I have only ever had one relationship and once that fell apart, I turned away from falling in love. I have honestly not regretted it, but I admire the courage of those who lay their hearts bare to strangers. I don't have that kind of courage. I don't want my heart broken and I accept that the price for that will occasionally (but not always) be bouts of loneliness. Yet I have friends who I love deeply and for me that is enough. 'Romantic love' is for others, but not for me. Not now, not ever.

Still, at least you got the love you wanted... and hopefully the bike you wanted.

Mike Farley said...

Move to Lincolnshire for ease of bike riding. As Steve Newman once memorably wrote in one of our early comedy sketches "slopes make me phlegmy". Good luck on the old bone shaker.

Great post as ever.

Donald Engstrom-Reese said...

Thank you for this deeply inspiring post. It brought memories of my own experiences with horses, bikes and new love. We are two damn luck people. Have fun reengaging with the magic of bikes and their wonders.

Silver Fox said...

beautiful moving heartfelt and funny post. You bike looks beautiful...just think of the wonderful freedom of speeding down those hills!

Angelica said...

Just what I needed, a positive, heartfelt and uplifting post on a drizzly rainy day. Hoping that the sun shines for your bike rides and relationship

Leanne said...

Much of that post resonated so much with me- our personal lives mirrored each others quite closely for a while as you know.
I think its a matter of harnessing your inner strength, holding your head up and just getting on with it.Mostly I am ok, sometimes I am low- I had a low patch this week, lol. I am still alone, but hopeful,that if i let my guard down long enough,(i dont do that often!) the right man (this time!) will find me lol. So thats the difference now, you have IB, I am still single.

But I am surviving, i am ok, and lol, you will remeber me buying my bicycle Sally!!

blessings leanne x

Anonymous said...

I enjoy reading your posts and wish you luck on your "journey" (even if it is only to the nearest shop on your new bike!!)

BB

Shepherdess

cynthia said...

Your bike is a beauty! And your prose is beautifully stirring. Home, love and challenges in the face of your dreams; lovely.
i feel so like Griffin. i am alone and not seeking love. i am in love with my live and don't have room for anyone else. i have my garden and my critters so i am never alone (except in bed... hehe). i am happy and trying to live a simple live. i am trying to tread lightly.

And, i love following your blog. You are genuine and wise. Love

Sara said...

Wishing you a path full of happy new beginnings which it seems you very much deserve xx

Amanda said...

hello moonroot,
am visiting via reya's site and as a fellow moonchild have enjoyed exploring your lovely blog - will return to learn more about magic and wales!

p.s. i often write about the magic of the greek landscape - please drop in for a visit sometime♡

Moon Daughter said...

I just love your posts... been following you for awhile. I am passing on a blog award... don't know where else to leave you a message. Thank you for sharing your life with us, it's magical!
http://pathofthemoondaughter.blogspot.com/
~Jill