Thursday, 29 October 2009


(The title of this post being part nod to the Tammy Wynette song, part acknowledgement that this is Big Stuff and hence deserving of capital letters.)

I feel a little tightness in my chest even now as I say it. Divorce. My divorce is finalised. I am divorced.

Don't get me wrong - I am glad it is finally over, able to see it as a new beginning, and perhaps a good thing for both of us. Yet still there is a sadness, a grieving for what has been lost.

I grew up with parents who had a stable, loving marriage, and that was what I expected for myself, and what in fact I thought I had. T and I were together for a total of 23 years and 2 months before he dropped his bombshell and left. I realised the other day that it was just over half my life. And as I had absolutely no clue about his infidelity until that fateful day, no wonder it knocked me sideways.

Yet in the intervening months I have begun to look more closely at the fault lines in the relationship, the ones I hadn't even noticed or hadn't considered problematic. Yes, we loved each other but there were also fundamental differences in the way we approached life, and what we thought was important. For me one crucial difference was that T hated to talk about his feelings and his unhappy childhood, even to me. In the early stages of our relationship I thought that eventually he would feel safe enough with me to share those things. Over the years that failed to happen and I began to tell myself that was just the type of person he was. I now believe if he had been able to talk about his feelings more openly we may have been able to negotiate a course around the obstacles that eventually derailed the relationship. But that is all academic now. What's done is done, and no doubt T has his own version of what went wrong and why. There are after all two sides to every story and no one person holds full responsibility for what happens.

Yet still... 23 years. A huge chunk of my life was spent with T and most of that time was good. That is what I grieve for, and plan to release - or at least begin to release - at this time of Samhain. A time of ending and new beginnings, a time when we enter fully into the dark half of the year, a time to turn inward, meditating on what has been and dreaming of what will be.

I can feel myself changing. I believe I am becoming more fully myself. I am accepting this end and grieving for it. But also knowing that each end is a beginning, I am moving forward into the next stage of my life, eager to see where this new road will lead me...


Spicy Cauldron said...

Blessings to you at this time. It is, as you say, as we approach Samhain, an appropriate time for endings and, of course, new beginnings. A relative of mine is going through divorce, and from what she tells me, the process itself is the worst thing - she longs for the day it's finally done, though she too acknowledges that day will be painful no matter that the divorce happened for the right reasons, for her.

Lyn said...

Well I am sure you have lots of friends and family to help you along the way. Well done for at least having a possitive take on what after all is a sad chapter.

Sara said...

Having been divorced myself my heart goes out to you. I hope you find new happiness each & every day & that your new beginning will be a bright & beautiful one. xx

Sue Simpson aka - The Purple Pixie said...

Oh I feel for you. It's one of those things in life that even though you know that the universe will deliver what you seek, the ending and loses as a price we have to pay can be so painful. Let the pain rise and fall....and one day VERY soon you will be all healed and ready to move forward. Living life with someone who cannot or does not want to 'feel' is no fun. Life experiences good and bad are there to be shared.
Know that we (your blogging friends) are here to love and support you every step of the way...Go sister go! Your life has only just begun.

Love and brightest blessings,
Sue xxx

Patty said...

I know this must be a hard time for you. Divorce is never easy and the amount of years makes it even harder. I was married to my ex for just a little under 25 years when our divorce was final. It has been 11 years now and I am remarried, but the pain still is there (just so you know I left him). Time will ease it for you though.

laoi gaul~williams said...

what better time to throw off the old and look with new eyes to what lies ahead.
my dad did the same to my mum after 26 years~no one had a clue about this other life of his.

look forward my lovely and accept my blessings on this special day {hugs}

DragonFly said...

Several wonderful to have had and continue to have the experience of your parents being happly married...a gift to all...I am sure your words will help and support others as well as being a honest clear heartfelt sharing....yes 23 years is a long time...a wealth of experience I think that is a testament of your parents and you. Much love E

Marya said...

Autumn is the season of grief and letting go. My heart goes out to you at this time.

Remember that after the healing dark of the winter you will know a new spring, be able to move on. But don't rush the grieving --

GooseBreeder said...

A sad time but a useful one for reflection and learning to know yourself better, just give yourself plenty of time to grieve and heal.Blessings.

Moon said...

This post made me cry....and Im not sure why. Maybe its a sort of kinship I feel for you, I love reading your blog..maybe its the fact that my husband and I have just passed the 20 year mark and when I saw you get blindsided it freaked me out, the thought of spending half my life with someone and possibly not knowing who in the hell they are, really are, on the inside at all.
Actually that scares the shit out of me.
Anyway...much love and peace to you girl. Your strength moves me.

anne hill said...

Wow, that was quick! I am happy for you that the legal process is over, and you seem to be well into the emotional/physical/spiritual process that takes just as long as it takes. For me the deepest grief was letting go of my idea of the "family" I had worked so many years to create. I knew I could find a better partner (and have), but that sense of close-knit bonds, children and grandchildren, all those family traditions...that was the longest and hardest grief.

And yet, standing now on the other side I can see so many more possibilities. May the rebirth of your life fill you with joy, hope and laughter, as it has me.