Monday, 14 February 2011

Valentines Day, Past and Present

How times change. Three years ago today, I wrote on the blog about how T had proposed to me 17 years earlier. I remember showing him the post, expecting him to be pleased, touched by it. His reaction was to say gruffly that it was nice - I thought perhaps I had embarrassed him. With the benefit of hindsight I now see his taciturn response was actually guilt. While I was writing nice things about him on my blog, he was secretly conducting an affair. Even so, I received a Valentine card and flowers from him as usual.

A year later, by then all too aware of T's infidelity I wrote about how painful I found Valentine's Day 2009. It was unbearable to remember how I had received that card, those flowers a year earlier, believing them to be genuine tokens of love. It was unbearable to think that as I had been receiving them, another woman had also been receiving love tokens from T. It was unbearable that the card and flowers he sent me had been merely a smokescreen to avoid arousing suspicion, unbearable that I was completely unaware that his true feelings were for someone else. It was unbearable that this someone else knew all about me whilst I remained in blissful ignorance of her existence. It was unbearable that I had been treated like a fool by someone I believed I could truly trust.

Last year I didn't post anything about Valentine's Day. I was struggling with a difficult job, awful weather, and a debilitating chest infection. Yet Valentine's Day had become a source of pleasure, not pain. I received a card, chocolates, flowers. But this time from IB.

I have sometimes shied away from writing too much about IB on the blog. There is a part of me that feels guilty that I have found happiness and love again, so quickly. I never expected to. I worry that others will judge me for moving on so quickly, or believe that this is merely the infamous 'rebound'. I have worried about this myself. And yet... nearly two years since we started seeing each other we are still together. Sometimes he drives me crazy (sometimes I drive him crazy!), yet he can always make me laugh. He is always ready to talk things out, so that our understanding of each other grows and our love deepens. He is hard working, patient, kind, funny, caring. He is affectionate and loving. He understands me. Somehow we just fit together in a way I have never fitted with anyone else.

Today I received a beautiful card. Today we worked together in the greenhouse, clearing it out and cleaning the panes to let the light shine in, planting some early crops. This evening he cooked me a delicious dinner and now we snuggle together on the sofa. Things have changed so much over the last few years. But now, at last, I can relax. I know I am in the right place, with the right person. Perhaps this is where I was meant to be all along.


miss*R said...

oh how so much of this post resonates with my experience.. but here I am nearly 23 yrs on and still with the man that helped me through my marriage breakup..
I too know of the flowers and cards being given to avoid suspicion and how some other woman knew of me but I not of her.. but it is all a blur now.. a faded memory.. a memory that has made me who I am

and if anyone judges you for moving on.. phooey to them I say

laoi gaul~williams /I\ said...

oh sad but also lovely post. you have found someone special indeed.
i dont think any of your blog friends would judge you in any way but be happy for you *hug*

i thnk in all the best relationships we have to drive each other crazy, i know swampy and i do and yet this march we have known (and been together it happened fast) 12 years (12 years??!!!)we have much in common and do things like gardening together but also much that is different-last night for instance i was watching the lovely neil oliver on tv and he was in his 'model' room~ but i think that combination is what helps it work.

Heidianne said...

Love is is good, and you should never be afraid to declare it when you have it. It comes to us in different ways and times. So who is to say when the time is right? Only the Norns/Fates I suspect. It's great to read how happy you are, good for you!

Mina said...

There is an old saying, "If you ever wonder where you are supposed to be, just look around, for you are there."

There should be no judgemt for a person who's just making her way in this world. Have a blessed day.

Leanne said...

I am really happy that you're really happy now! Leanne x

Griffin said...

Never, never worry about what others judgements of you are. You exist on your terms not theirs. You have every right to be who you are as you wish.

I am glad that you are happy again and loved and cherished as you should be. Good for you and long may it last.

The Awakened Heart said...

I remember how devastated you were about the whole thing. The fact that you have found love again is something to celebrate and cherish. You did not deserve the pain but you do deserve this happiness. Let it shine.