Monday, 14 February 2011
Valentines Day, Past and Present
How times change. Three years ago today, I wrote on the blog about how T had proposed to me 17 years earlier. I remember showing him the post, expecting him to be pleased, touched by it. His reaction was to say gruffly that it was nice - I thought perhaps I had embarrassed him. With the benefit of hindsight I now see his taciturn response was actually guilt. While I was writing nice things about him on my blog, he was secretly conducting an affair. Even so, I received a Valentine card and flowers from him as usual.
A year later, by then all too aware of T's infidelity I wrote about how painful I found Valentine's Day 2009. It was unbearable to remember how I had received that card, those flowers a year earlier, believing them to be genuine tokens of love. It was unbearable to think that as I had been receiving them, another woman had also been receiving love tokens from T. It was unbearable that the card and flowers he sent me had been merely a smokescreen to avoid arousing suspicion, unbearable that I was completely unaware that his true feelings were for someone else. It was unbearable that this someone else knew all about me whilst I remained in blissful ignorance of her existence. It was unbearable that I had been treated like a fool by someone I believed I could truly trust.
Last year I didn't post anything about Valentine's Day. I was struggling with a difficult job, awful weather, and a debilitating chest infection. Yet Valentine's Day had become a source of pleasure, not pain. I received a card, chocolates, flowers. But this time from IB.
I have sometimes shied away from writing too much about IB on the blog. There is a part of me that feels guilty that I have found happiness and love again, so quickly. I never expected to. I worry that others will judge me for moving on so quickly, or believe that this is merely the infamous 'rebound'. I have worried about this myself. And yet... nearly two years since we started seeing each other we are still together. Sometimes he drives me crazy (sometimes I drive him crazy!), yet he can always make me laugh. He is always ready to talk things out, so that our understanding of each other grows and our love deepens. He is hard working, patient, kind, funny, caring. He is affectionate and loving. He understands me. Somehow we just fit together in a way I have never fitted with anyone else.
Today I received a beautiful card. Today we worked together in the greenhouse, clearing it out and cleaning the panes to let the light shine in, planting some early crops. This evening he cooked me a delicious dinner and now we snuggle together on the sofa. Things have changed so much over the last few years. But now, at last, I can relax. I know I am in the right place, with the right person. Perhaps this is where I was meant to be all along.