Sunday, 7 June 2009

The Return of Happiness

Driving the last bit of the journey home from Witchcamp this year, as the sun shone and my favourite song blasted from the CD player, I suddenly found myself crying. Not tears of sadness, but tears of happiness. Tears of joy. I realised with a bit of a shock that it's been far too long since I've felt this way.

The last couple of years have been such a struggle. Even before T announced he was leaving, back more than a year before that - in fact since the Summer Gathering in 2007, it has felt like some kind of a pall hung over my life.

The Summer Gathering was an amazing and life-affirming experience in many ways, and here on the blog I chose to focus on that aspect. Yet there was another side to it too - a huge amount of very stressful and frankly exhausting organising; and worse than that a lot of emotional fall out from the cancellation of Avalon Witchcamp 2007, creating conflict and drama within the British Reclaiming Community. In trying to see, hear and understand all sides of the conflict, and attempting to calm things down and build bridges between warring factions at the same time as creating and holding together the huge experiment in fundraising that was the Summer Gathering, I allowed myself to become completely drained. I knew it was happening at the time, and fully expected to feel washed out for a month or so afterwards. What I didn't expect was to still feel that way more than six months later. I actually began to wonder if I was suffering from some awful undiagnosed illness - cancer, diabetes, ME? At the same time so many other things were going wrong in my life and the lives of those around me, everything seemed like an uphill battle.

And then of course, just over a year after the 2007 Summer Gathering, T dropped his bombshell and my world shattered. Many people assured me that time is a great healer, and although my head believed it was true, sometimes it was hard to convince my heart.

But it is of course, true. As time passed, more and more sunshine gradually crept in through cracks in the pall of depression. And finally on that drive back home from Avalon Spring any remnants of the pall just evaporated, and light and life poured back into my soul. I cried and cried and smiled and smiled and just whispered, thank you, thank you, thank you to the multiverse. Thank you for my life. Thank you for this beautiful world. Thank you for such wonderful family and the best friends anyone could hope for. Thank you for Witchcamp and freedom and laughter, thank you for sunsets and summer and swallows, thank you for hope and healing and joy. Thank you.

I am once again my old self, the one I have been trying to remember and revive for all these months. That in itself is reason enough for joy. But there is more - my cup truly runneth over! Since returning from Avalon Spring, a new romantic relationship has unexpectedly begun to blossom. I won't say much more just yet as it is still very new, and feels very special.

What I will say is that I can't believe I am this happy. I have done my time under the pall, and as promised I have been healed. Happiness has well and truly returned.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!


solsticedreamer~laoi gaul~williams said...

it sounds as if the long weekend was the start of a whole new life :)
you so deserve it lovely!

Livia Indica said...

This is great to read! You deserve happiness. And your new found joy gives me hope that the slowly turning tides of my own life will bring happier times.

And I love that you brought back the egg picture for the blog header; it's gorgeous and so meaningful!

aromatic said...

I am so happy that life is changing for the better for you, you so deserve some happiness after such difficult times!! Enjoy it to the full!!
Thinking of you!!
With Love, Jane xxxx

Anonymous said...

So glad that things are starting to look better - you deserve it!


Tempewytch said...

It is wonderful to hear you so upbeat again!

Heronmist said...

Nice to come across such a positive post.

You are indeed blessed to feel this way - may you continue to be happy

Sue 'Poppie' Simpson said...

Oh Moonroot...I had a similar experience. Totally devastating and my responce was so much like yours. Up days down days, feeling better, feeling worse days....but hey the Beltaine fire seems to have shone on both of us! And YES this does feel VERY different!
I send you love and light and I'm with you every step of the way. I'm sure your feelings are going to be very similar to mine. We have to learn 'trust' and put to bed 'fear' I think.

With lots of love and brightest blessings sweetie. YES we both deserve it!
Sue xxx

Leanne said...

dear moonroot, this post has really made me smile. As you know, I too went through the same, a few months ahead of you, and i remember saying to you, the hurt will ease and gradually you will begin to live I was. i am so so happy to see this has happened, and you are so full of hapopiness again

leanne x

Reya Mellicker said...

We humans are such resilient creatures, aren't we? Bravo!

dragonfly said...

Thank you for sharing. Heart warming. With so much giving there is so much receiving. So much abundance. And so synchronistic of Spring. What a wonderful practice to remember to give thanks. How wounderfully exciting and scary life can be...xx

miss*R said...

fantastic !!! clapping happily, cause yes things like this do happen.. I know cause it happened to me.. sending love & blessings to you my dear kindred friend xo

Donald Engstrom-Reese said...

I trust that your joy and happiness is continuing to blossom. I know that your roots do grow down deep into the sacred soils of this world. I suspect that your new flush of growth will keep on unfolding into yet more amazing adventures throughout your life.

I love and miss you.