Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Good Days and Bad Days

I am not a morning person at the best of times. Since T left on 17th August, quite frankly I haven't wanted to get out of bed at all on some mornings. These are the bad days, when a great weight of grey depression presses down on me and everything just seems so pointless. Luckily for me, staying in bed is not an option, as the animals need feeding and letting out of their houses whether I feel like it or not. Dragging myself up and out feels like a Herculean task at such times, yet there is no doubt that doing so is better in the long-run for my sanity and my mood.

Even so, some days have passed in a tearful haze. Compared to this, I have found the angry days much easier to cope with. Although at times my anger has burned so white-hot I feared it would consume me, self-righteous fury feels much better than soul-sucking depression and despair!

Luckily, my brain is also involved, and I know, even if I can't always feel it, that these shifting emotions are all part of the process of coping, healing and moving on. The five stages of grief are said to be Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, all of which I have experienced to some degree or another in the last week and a half. I expect to continue moving back and forth through them for quite some time to come, before I move fully into Acceptance. But for now, it helps to know they are normal, and to let them come and go.

It hasn't all been doom and gloom, though. I have been blessed with intervals of normality, working in the garden, soaking in the bath with a good book or talking with friends, family and neighbours. Occasionally the sun has come out, which seems to help enormously! I have been trying to self-care by getting enough sleep and eating healthily (although admittedly there has been more than one chocolate binge...). Music has helped too, either cheerful, dance-y stuff, or Kirsty MacColl's wry, funny observations on life and love. And I have found Alanis Morissette's 'You Oughta Know' at full volume astonishingly therapeutic! Occasionally the universe has sent little surprise gifts, such as yesterday, when I found these begonias uprooted and dumped by the roadside, presumably by someone clearing out their summer bedding plants. I thought the poor things looked like they still had plenty of life in them and deserved a second chance, so I brought them home and potted them up.

But more than anything I have been cheered and heartened by the love and care shown me by friends, family and the blogging community. As well as the lovely messages of support people left here after my last post, people have been phoning, emailing and sending cards/letters to let me know they are thinking of me. Many have offered to come and stay, to hold my hand or help me with the work here Halfway Up a Hill, or offered me their own living space as a 'bolt-hole' should I need one. Friends locally have stopped by with gifts of food in case I wasn't eating properly and taken me out on day trips to get away from it all. And today I received a lovely, lovely gift from my friend Paul, which touched me so much I cried and laughed all at once. You can see it here.

Thank you all so much. Your love, kindness and support has helped immeasurably. This is a hard time for me, but at the same time I know just how lucky I am to have such wonderful people around me.


Reya Mellicker said...

I'm so happy you're taking such good care of yourself, and thank you for posting whenever you're up to it.

There's something I would like to mail to you. Will you email a postal address?

Thinking of you with so much love, sending strength and warmth to you.

Oh I also wanted to say, there are times when chocolate binges are absolutely appropriate. This is one of those times.

much love

Pagangracecat said...

Glad that you are feeling all the love which is pouring out for you.
As Reya rightly says - chocolate binges are more than appropriate at times and this is indeed one of those times. The ultimate comfort food warm, sweet and soothing and an utter indulgence for when life gets you down.
... and Pauls' YouTube film (is "film" the right word?) is just lovely - have watched it at work with no sound and can't wait to hear what music he's chosen when I see it again later at home.
Sending you warm positive thoughts and blessings.

Pagangracecat and J

solsticedreamer said...

oh poor you~i have been away camping and am catching up with blogs tonight~i am so sorry {{hug}} oh i hope you are okay.
sending lots of love and strength to you, you dear soul

georgia conway said...

Hello Susan,
I hope you are doing OK. I am thinking of you my dear.
Lots of hugs and cuddles coming your way.

Alison said...

Grief is a tricky process. I hope that you find things to help you stay centered. Often it's the simple things that help - a cup of tea with a caring friend, snuggling up in blankets, or watching the birds and stars.

Be kind to yourself for a while.

Donald Engstrom-Reese said...

One of the things that I learned when I was widowed, was that grief was as changeable as water, swiftly going from liquid, to solid, to gas in no particular order.

Another thing that I learned was that it is essential to stay in touch with those who loved me, even after the storm had past.

I have recently found that yes, becoming a widow can be incredibly painful. I didn't fully heal until Mark and I married. But, I have noticed that becoming separated from a living lover can be even more intense. I cannot say I truly understand what you are feeling. I only can imagine through my widow's heart the confusion and pain that is flowing through your being. Just know that you have been on my mind every day.

I wish that we lived a bit closer. I would come over and help you weed the garden before we went on a long walk in the woods.

I love and miss you.

By the way, Paul's gift is very sweet indeed.

Leanne said...

Moonroot, I just left s message on your last post. Do please email me when you feel up to it, i would love to be able to offer you some support.

Leanne x

The Kittens' Mother said...

Hi, thank you for leaving a lovely message on my blog!

I have been looking back on your previous posts and am sorry to hear about Snowy. It is horrible when things like that happen.

When I was reading this post, at times I thought I was reading my own blog. The stages of grief you mentioned; that is exactly how I felt when I had to give up the kittens and finish fostering. So I can somewhat sympathize with how you have been feeling. Although, I didn't deal with it straight away and it all got on top of me until I broke down and it has taken almost a year to finally accept what happened.
Clearly you have very good friends and family around you. I wish I could do something to give you an extra boost:)

All the best, from Meg and cats xxx

Marya said...

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry to hear you are also going through a break-up!

I had to leave Wales and comes back to the Cape in South Africa and I have felt quite devastated. My blog was A Spell in Wales and is now African Alchemy.

I'll email you more this week but do take care.

All love and a hug


Moon said...

All I can do is offer you a huge hug((((((((*))))))))) and tell you how sorry I am that things have ended up being the way they are. I was also so saddened to hear about the sweet goose as well.
Things will get better darlin, they really will. When fighting the great gulf of depression I always tell myself "That which does not kill me, only makes me stronger". It an old saying but very true.
(((((((((big hugs))))))
xo Moon

This Guy said...

I am so sorry to read of your loss. I've never really had a long lasting commited relationship, so I don't really understand personally what you are going through, but I imagine you must be terribly hurt.

I've had days, even weeks where I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I just physically couldn't. One piece of advice that I will pass on to you, is try to force yourself to have a hot shower every morning, and sit in the sun every day! It was the only thing that kept me going... The sun seems to be helping you already! The sun rays must melt away the sorrow! :)

You truly have an amazing set of friends and family who care for you and love you very much. I am glad you have their support and strengh to keep you grounded during this time!

I am sending big Hugs and lots of Support!!

Ps.... EAT CHOCOLATE!! You are due for a few big tubs of chocolate ice cream! ;)

Bret =)

Pixiedust said...

I haven't been on the computer for a week or so and only just caught up. Sending you lots of ((((((hugs))))) to get through this difficult time. Hope things look brighter soon. xxxx

Griffin said...

Good that you are taking care of yourself. Especially with chocolate which stimulates serotonin so is good for you.

You see that even in your grief and rage, a small thing like begonias needing a home remind you that all is not lost.

Courage mon brave! "Stiffen up the sinews, summon up the blood, imitate the action of the tiger!" as Billy Shakespeare used to say.

When my mum died I found that a walk helped too. Also, curl up with your cats (if they'll let you) and just stroke them a lot. That can actually help too.

If it helps to read a story now and then, check out my blog too. It may give you a little smile in the darkness you're going through.

Love and lots of BWH's (big warm hugs)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this - I know how desolated you must feel from time to time, but it will pass, you must keep yourself going - some one of these days things will begin to get better - so slowly that perhaps you won't quite notice - but it will happen.

Please remember "happiness" - it will come back, simply because you've given pleasure and happiness to so many with your blog and shared goals and ideals.

Take very good care of yourself - chocolate and long, fragrent baths are definitely deserved.

Stay brave, you are loved and appreciated by more people than you can imagine ... world over.

Jennie said...

I'm halfway up a hill and living in Carmarthenshire, and if things ever get too much, shout out and I'll bake you a (chocolate?) cake and we can always meet up to complain about the Welsh weather or whatever. Jennie

Anonymous said...

Worrying about you and hoping you are well, my dear. Take care of yourself. Love to you! TGW x

This Guy said...

Just checking in on ya! ;) Hope you are feeling better this week. We'd love to hear from you, miss your kind words! :) Hope you are enjoying some relaxing time in the sun :)

Leanne said...

i'm checking back too, hope youre ok moonroot. ((hugs))

leanne x

Kim said...

I've not visited you for a little while and am so shocked and saddened to read this. Sending huge cyber hugs your way. Please take care

Kim x

Brandi said...

hey! found you through bohemian mom. I just wanted to say that I love your blog and having been through a divorce myself, know just how theraputic YOU OUTA KNOW can be (having sung along at top volume myself many times during the transition phase).

sending you support and strength. The dark days start fade so imperceptibly at fist you don't notice but then one day you look up and notice sunbeams. I promise.