Well, I Grew A Lot Of Carrots: The Fever Dream Year

In Wales lockdown measures have recently been relaxed, so that we are now easing back into some kind of semi-normality. On Monday 12th April I returned to work for the first time since just before Christmas 2020 when it was announced that all non-essential retail in Wales would close. I vividly remember returning home from work on December 19th after a long hard day and hearing the news literally as I pulled into the driveway. At the time I imagined I'd be resuming work some time in mid-January, yet it has taken until now, mid-April for that to happen. 

Being back at work this week has been a strange mixture of the familiar and the strange. The environment and the work is well-known and yet there's an odd sense of unreality that I don't recall feeling on my return to work after the first lockdown last spring.

I suspect I'm not alone in feeling this sense of confusion and dislocation. The long months suspended from our normal routines have been followed by a supposed return to normality which is anything but normal. I may be back working one of the  several part time jobs I had before the first lockdown, but most of my other jobs have fallen casualty to the pandemic for one reason or another and ceased. I may be back in familiar surroundings fulfilling a familiar role, but I am doing it while wearing a mask and observing social distancing, and I still can't hug a workmate, invite friends into my home, or teach a workshop. Looking back, so much and so little has happened.   

Seeing (separately) two friends for the first time in months this week highlighted this strangeness for me. It was lovely to see them and reconnect after being separated from them for such a long time. And yet I found myself floundering when they both asked me the simple question, 'So how have you been?'

How have I been? What have I been doing during the long months of lockdown? What has life been like, what has changed, where will life go from here?

All the answers that I could give are too deep or too shallow. How can I convey the spikes of fear and the blur of boredom; the endless anxiety about my elderly parents and my friend with COPD; the unaccustomed luxury of time to sleep in late and garden and cook and write and immerse myself in a good book; the stupefying lack of focus; the slow accretion of outstanding tasks which keep me awake at night, while I instantly forget the goals reached and accomplishments achieved during the same time frame?

When one friend asked me 'What have you been up to?' I found myself giving the slightly surreal, completely inadequate and not even wholly accurate response, 'Well, I grew a lot of carrots,'. At the time it was all my mind could pluck from the nebulous swirl of 'my life during lockdown'.

Looking back over the last year, it all seems rather like a fever dream - simultaneously vivid and vague, surreal, epic, confusing and impossible to convey precisely. Which is all quite understandable. We have all - the entire world - undergone a dislocation from our normal lives, experienced a trauma. Everyone experiences upheavals in life, times of pain and fear and loss, but we don't usually all experience them simultaneously so that the whole world is jolted from its tracks. And this trauma has not been a single short-lived shock, but a long, drawn-out upheaval which has left people exhausted.

And yet... I wonder what will come from this in the long run? I am hopeful that we as a species will move forward from this having learned some useful lessons, and thinking hard about what it is we want to 'go back to'. 

Some years ago at a Witchcamp, I took part in an elaborate life/death/rebirth ritual in which people were guided through a series of gateways, each representing an aspect of their lives such as their name(s), possessions, achievements, friends/family/loved ones etc. At each gateway they were instructed to leave every one of these things behind. It was a gradual stripping away of every part of identity and self. At the final gateway they were greeted by a priestess aspecting the Goddess, who blew out the tealight they carried (symbolising their life force). They were then given as much time as they needed to bathe in Her Cauldron of Rebirth (a hot tub!) while meditating on what they had left behind, what they wanted to retrieve - and what they wanted to leave behind. It was a gruelling process for most people, but deeply informative and transformative. So much of what we carry with us through life we carry through habit, or because we've been told by others we must carry it. Stripping everything away and consciously choosing to recover only those things of value is immensely freeing. When each person was ready, they left the hot tub and were given a new tealight symbolising their rebirth. They retraced their steps through each gate, picking back up the things they wished to carry into their new lives - but crucially, leaving behind those which they had decided they no longer wished to carry. So, for example I have been known by many names in my life - Susan, Moonroot, Moonie, Susie, Wallis, daughter, sister, wife, witch, aromatherapist etc. But I have also been called ginger, fat, stupid, ugly, bitch etc. Some of these names have come from other people - and some I have called myself. When I strip away these names and identities and leave them at the gate, on my return I can choose which names I wish to carry - and those I am happy to leave in the dust.

This pandemic has stripped our normal lives away from us. When we return through each gate, I hope that we will think very carefully about what it is that we wish to pick back up. My 'normal' life before all this began was actually pretty dysfunctional in many ways. Post-divorce, job insecurity and fear of poverty had led to me working 6-7 day weeks. I was permanently exhausted, short-tempered and ill, but I couldn't seem to get off that hamster wheel. Every time I was offered more work I said yes, because I was always short of money and afraid that the work I did have would dry up, leaving me penniless. Being forced to slow down and stop made me realise how joyless life had become. During months of lockdown I have started to read books again, cook from scratch again, grow vegetables again, observe the Wheel of the Year again. I have finally learned how to properly use the camera I bought several years ago and have taken reams of photographs. I have had time for the long, deep conversations that feed my soul. I have written more in the last year than I have managed in the previous three or four years. I have had time to sit and drink in the beauty surrounding me. And most importantly I have had time to reassess the way I've been leading my life and come to some important decisions about what I want to change about that. 

Much of my 'normal' life was in direct contradiction to my values and beliefs. I was buying pre-packaged convenience foods because I was too damned tired to cook. I was driving miles and miles between my scattered jobs, eating junk food on the hoof. I was too tired to have much of a social life and short-tempered with my loved ones. My house was a mess. Every so often I would manage a holiday or have an enforced break caused by illness and I would resolve to do better - but immediately fall back into my old ways. My mantra seemed to always be, 'next month, when things are less busy...', but next month never was less busy, and so it went on.

All of that has been taken away from me. I have lost three of my part time jobs and of the remaining three, restrictions mean I am only able to work at one of them at the moment. When I am able to resume all three, that will be enough. I am determined to find a way to manage financially without damaging my physical and mental health further and working myself into an early grave. My petrol consumption has plummeted. I have been gradually sorting out the house and making my environment a pleasant one. I have stopped shopping at big supermarkets and now buy most of my groceries from a small local zero-waste shop. Guess what? Their prices may be higher than the supermarket, but because I am only buying what I need and not getting sucked in by special offers and convenience foods I have actually cut our food bills and food waste. I have been growing our own vegetables and cooking proper meals - I make my own hummus and veggie burgers and bread from scratch. What I have realised is that staying on the hamster wheel required me to spend more money than it brought in. My life is now more manageable, less expensive, less wasteful, greener and infinitely more satisfying.

The other great lesson I hope we can learn from the pandemic is that we are all in this together, and working collaboratively for the good of the whole is the best and fairest way to run the world. Look at the awe-inspiring collective effort that has brought us effective vaccines in the space of a year! We humans are at our most marvellous when we co-operate rather than compete.

I believe the sense of unreality I am feeling is the world re-making itself in a new and hopefully better way. We have all had much of our lives stripped away over the last year, and spent time immersed in the Cauldron of Rebirth swirling in a fever dream of possibility. Now as we prepare to leave the Cauldron and re-enter the world, let's consider very carefully the kind of 'normality' we wish to return to. What will you pick back up? What will you choose to leave behind? The great blessing of every period of difficulty in our lives is the lessons we learn from it, and the chance we are given to grow. Let's seize this unprecedented opportunity we've been given with enthusiasm and build a better 'normal'. The old world wasn't working anyway, why go back to it?

           

     

Winter Blessings and Beauties, Day 90: Winter Retrospective and Winter's End Ritual

As we near the end of Winter, it's a good time to pause and review the last few months - and this project, intended to encourage a positive experience of the season. 

Winter Blessings and Beauties: Day 90

Winter Retrospective

I suggest you take a few days to go through this process of looking back (and forward) to examine your experience of Winter in sufficient depth before you move onto the Winter's End Ritual.

Cast your mind back in time to the beginning of November. Samhain had just been and gone, and the whole Winter lay ahead of us. How were you feeling then? If you've been following this project, perhaps look back to the very first post to help stir your memories of how you were feeling then, mentally, physically, emotionally. What did the prospect of Winter seem like then? What were you anxious about? What were your hopes? What were you looking forward to?

Scrolling forward through the Winter Blessings and Beauties posts - and/or your journal - how did Winter unfold for you? Did it go as you expected? What surprised you? What disappointed you? What delighted you? What did you discover? 

Winter's End Ritual

After working through the Winter Retrospective exercise thoroughly, move onto the Winter's End Ritual.

Looking back, at the end of this Winter what will you be leaving behind? Write a list of those things you wish to leave behind in Winter 2020/21, and burn it or add it to your compost heap to be transformed. 

As the door between Winter and Spring swings open, what will you choose to carry forward? Make a list in your journal of all the Winter blessings and lessons for which you're grateful and carry them forward with you. 

What do you hope Spring be bringing in for you? On a fresh sheet of paper, make a list of your hopes, dreams and plans for Spring 2021. Put it somewhere you will be able to see it every day, and make sure to check in regularly to monitor your progress and keep yourself on track.

Blessed Be. 

Celebrating Samhain - and Hallowe'en - in Lockdown

Note: To be clear, for the purposes of this post when I write about Hallowe'en, I mean the secular, spooky, fancy dress, witches-pumpkins-spiders-bats-ghosts-and-ghoulies fun and games which occurs on 31st October. When I write about Samhain, I'm referring to the Pagan festival which occurs on the same date but which marks the Pagan New Year, a time when the veils between the worlds thin and we honour our ancestors, celebrate the dark half of the year and practise divination etc (pumpkins optional).

As life began to return to something more closely resembling 'normality' over the summer I began to think there was no need for further posts on 'How to Celebrate [Festivals] in Lockdown'. For that reason there was no such post for the Autumn Equinox/Mabon. Yet it seems I was a bit premature in my optimism. Many areas of England are now in Category 3 Lockdown, and here in Wales the whole country is currently on a 17-day 'firebreak' lockdown which will cover the weeks either side of Samhain. It's not really surprising, given the British Government's woefully inept response to the Pandemic. So here we are again, and we are likely to find ourselves back here again in the future before this is all over. So let's take a look at some things we could do to celebrate Hallowe'en and Samhain - or both - even if we're restricted by lockdown measures.

Ideas for Celebrating Hallowe'en at Home

I have seen people complaining on social media that 'Hallowe'en is cancelled this year!'. I imagine they mean that children can't go trick or treating as they normally would, but Hallowe'en is about far more than trick or treating, even if that is the current cliché. You may not be able to go door-to-door trick or treating with the kids this year, but don't worry - there is still plenty of Hallowe'en fun to be had. Here are some ideas of Hallowe'en activities you can enjoy together, if you are in a lockdown area:

• Throw a Hallowe'en party for the family. Decorate the house with spooky things - you can keep the kids busy beforehand drawing and cutting out spiders, bats, ghosts, etc to hang up. Prepare some spooky food - cut sandwiches into ghost or skull shapes and decorate them, turn a pot of hummus into 'frog spawn' by adding a few drops of green food colouring, use icing to decorate chocolate cake, cookies or brownies with piped white 'spiderweb' icing - or make traditional fare like pumpkin soup and apple pie. Dim the lights, light a few candles and tell each other spooky stories. Or if that's too scary put on a DVD of a classic kids Hallowe'en movie like Hocus Pocus.
• One year I kept my friend's kids busy all day making a life-sized witch figure (a bit like a Bonfire Night Guy). We used a couple of old pairs of tights stuffed with newspaper for her arms, legs and head. A pillow-case stuffed with newspaper formed her body. Then we dressed her up in a fine witchy costume cobbled together from my black clothes and a pair of my boots. We made a mask for her face and a witch's hat out of black card. Then we sat her on the toilet in the downstairs cloakroom and had great fun listening to the shrieks of the unsuspecting adult members of the household as they returned from work and walked in on 'Winnie' unawares! 
• The whole family could have a fancy dress competition. Make sure you have enough prizes for everyone. You may need to invent a few categories like 'Best Witch', 'Best Monster', 'Cleverest Idea', 'Creepiest Mask' etc to ensure everyone wins something, but if you do it will ensure no squabbles erupt! If you can't be with extended family and friends, you could check in with them via Zoom or Skype and admire each others costumes to extend the fun.
• Have a ghost story writing competition and read them to each other by firelight. Smaller children could draw or paint pictures of pumpkins or black cats (or dinosaurs if they prefer!). Finish the evening with all the lights on and big comforting mugs of cocoa to settle everyone down before bedtime!
• Try some traditional Hallowe'en party games like apple bobbing.
• Make a special Hallowe'en playlist (suggestions to get you started: 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson, 'The Monster Mash' by Bobby 'Boris' Pickett and the Crypt Kickers, the theme song from The Addams Family, 'The Time Warp' from the Rocky Horror Show, 'Ghostbusters' by Ray Parker Jr) and have a Hallowe'en disco for the whole family. You could have themed dances too - 'Dance to this one like a zombie!' 'How would a witch/werewolf/mummy dance?'
• Carve pumpkins together (obviously younger children will need close supervision and probably a lot of help!). To get the most out of your pumpkin, don't forget to read this!

Ideas for celebrating Samhain in the countryside or at the beach/park

• The weather is less likely to be kind at this time of year, but if you can get out for a walk, it's a great opportunity to get in touch with nature at a time of year when there is much change to observe. What bird or animal species are in your area? Some species are going into hibernation, or growing a winter pelt or plumage. Some, such as deer, are in their breeding season. Plants are going to seed or dying back. Now is a good time to familiarise yourself with how trees look without their leaves. Many have distinctive shapes that make identification possible even when you only have bare branches to go by.
• Gather fallen leaves, twigs, nuts, seedpods, stones, flowers etc to make into a mandala as an offering to the Spirits of the Land - there's a great article about making and working with mandalas in nature here. Or take some home to decorate your altar and honour the trees as they prepare for their winter slumber.
• At the beach, write messages to your ancestors in the sand at the shoreline, and let the water carry them away as the incoming waves slowly dissolve the words.
• If you would like to forage some wild foods for a seasonal feast at this time of year, look out for apples, sloes and bullaces (wild plums), sweet chestnuts, hazelnuts, walnuts, or beechnuts.

Ideas for celebrating Samhain in your garden

• Create a shrine to your Ancestors in a corner of the garden (a spot in the west, direction of the setting sun and the Celtic otherworld would be most appropriate). This could be as simple as a cairn (pile of stones) with each stone representing a different Ancestor, or as elaborate as you care to make it. As the sun sets, use it as a focus point for a ritual to honour your Ancestors and Beloved Dead. Create sacred space in your preferred way, then light a tealight for each person you wish to honour and remember, saying "[their name], be welcome this night!" aloud as you do so. Spend as much time as you need with them, telling them what you want them to know and listening for any answers or messages. When you are finished, pour a libation to them. Then thank and bid farewell to each of them in turn, extinguishing their tealight as you do so. Devoke/open your sacred space.
• The second Full Moon of the month - making it a Blue Moon - falls on Samhain this year. This would be a great time to practise your scrying! Within sacred space, take a dark coloured bowl and half fill it with water. Under the light of the full moon, gaze into the bowl allowing your gaze to become soft. Breathe slowly and deeply, keeping your gaze soft and your mind receptive. After a little while you may see images in the water, or they may seem to form in your mind's eye. Don't try to control or force the images, just let them come. When you are ready, set down the bowl and write down what you have seen in your journal, in as much detail as possible. Devoke/open your sacred space.
• If you are able to have a bonfire in your garden, use it to celebrate the Pagan New Year. Gather fallen leaves and write on them with a marker pen the things that you wish to shed and leave behind in the old year. Feed them one at a time into the flames, to be transformed. Have a small dish of sunflower or pumpkin seeds ready. Eat a seed for each of the things you wish for in the coming year and state your intention to make them a reality (e.g. "I will enrol on the astrology course I want to do", "I will create a productive vegetable patch to help feed my family"). Say 'So Shall It Be' to seal your intention. Now celebrate - raise a glass of celebratory mead or mulled wine, toast marshmallows round the fire, sing songs.
• Keep an eye out for shooting stars if the night sky is clear, as the Southern Taurids Meteor Shower will be peaking towards the end of the month. Don't forget to make a wish if you see one!

Ideas for celebrating Samhain in your home

• Create an altar to honour your Ancestors and Beloved Dead. Place photos, mementos, family heirlooms etc on it and use it as a focus for communing with them at Samhain.
• Prepare a feast of the food most loved by your Ancestors and Beloved Dead, and sit down to share it with them. It may be a strange mixture of dishes (for example, my own Feast for the Ancestors typically includes custard tarts for my Granddad, Stilton cheese for my Grandpa, ice cream for my Nanna, grapes for my Gan (Gran), a cup of tea for my Cousin Enid and friend Ivy, and a saucer of tinned tuna for the cats who are no longer with us). Yet strangely, it brings back so many happy memories that it is delicious. While you eat, tell their stories (even if you are alone) and relive the sweet times you shared together. Any uneaten food at the end of the evening can be left overnight for the spirits and then placed outside as an offering to the local wildlife. 
• There are online Samhain rituals on 29th October here, or 30th October here, or you can join the famous annual Spiral Dance in San Francisco which is happening online on 31st October this year here. 
• Samhain is a wonderful time for divination. Use your preferred method, or try something different - tarot, runes, scrying, dowsing, tasseomancy, the I-Ching.  If you read the tarot, there is an excellent Samhain tarot spread here. If you have friends who also enjoy divination, you could swap readings for each other via the phone or online.

A magical and blessed Samhain to you all.  

Celebrating Beltane in Lockdown

Beltane is traditionally celebrated with maypoles and bonfires, feasts and festivities. As the festival which marks the beginning of summer, it's natural to want to spend it outdoors in company with friends and family - yet this year that won't be possible for many of us. The current Coronavirus lockdown means that gathering with coven mates, friends and family just isn't possible right now, so we're going to have to adapt the way we mark the festivals - at least for a little while. But with a little ingenuity we can come up with novel - and safe - ways of celebrating.

First, have a little brainstorming session with those you'd celebrate Beltane with normally - you can do this by phone, text, email, Skype, Zoom etc if you do not live in the same household - and see what amazing ideas you can come up with together. If you are a solitary Pagan, you can Google for ideas as well as taking inspiration from this post. 

Secondly, skim through the ideas I have come up with and see if any of them appeal - or you can use them to kick-start creativity and come up with your own plan. I have grouped them according to your situation - so there are ideas for those of you who can get out into nature, ideas for those who are in a town but have a garden or accessible green space, and finally ideas for those who are confined to their living space.

If you can get out to the countryside/park for a walk:

• One traditional Beltane activity was to gather mayflowers (hawthorn blossom). While on your walk, see if you can spot some mayflowers and pick a small bunch (careful of those thorns!) to bring home with you. It's considered bad luck to bring mayflowers indoors, but the exception is at Beltane. Or you can do like I do and hedge your bets by tying the bunch of flowers to the front door of your house as a Beltane blessing. You'll probably need secateurs or scissors to cut the woody stems, so take some with you.
• If you take an early morning walk, wash your face in the Beltane dew - traditionally believed to be a foolproof beauty treatment! 
• If you have bluebell woods near you, this is the perfect time to take a walk and soak in all that beauty. I can't imagine a more sacred activity!
• If you're confident of your plant identification skills, this is a great time of year to forage for wild garlic, nettles, sorrel, jack-by-the-hedge etc. Keep your eyes peeled for hedgerow delicacies on your walk and cook up a seasonal gourmet feast to celebrate Beltane when you get home. 

If you are in a town, but have access to a garden or other green space:
Depending on what is in your garden or green space you may be able to gather mayflowers, forage some wild delicacies or wash your face in the morning dew, as above! But here are some other ideas you could try too.

• Draw a labyrinth on the lawn/patio/decking big enough to walk (for a classic 7-walled Cretan labyrinth - my preferred version - you will need a space which is a minimum of 9'x9'; if you have more space, so much the better). You can mark out a temporary labyrinth using flour, sand or masking tape. If you like it you could make it a permanent feature by using rocks, bricks etc, or mow it into the lawn. There is a clear tutorial on how to draw and use labyrinths on the blog of my friend and mentor Donald Engstrom-Reese here, and there is a wealth of information on Sig Lonegren's website here.
• If you have enough room to pitch a tent in the garden, why not camp out overnight on Beltane eve. Toast marshmallows over a campfire, stargaze, then get up to greet the first light on Beltane morning, revelling in the dawn chorus of birdsong.
• Beltane is one of the times of year most strongly associated with faeries. You could celebrate Beltane by leaving offerings for them in your garden - it is said they are fond of bread, cake, honey, beer, wine and cream. Or you could plant up an area of the garden as a faery garden with flowers they are said to be particularly fond of such as foxgloves, violets, thyme and clover, and pretty sparkly decorations like sun-catchers and wind-chimes (bear in mind they strongly dislike iron).

If you cannot get outside to celebrate Beltane:

• Use Skype, Zoom etc to connect with Pagan friends and share Beltane blessings. You may be able to organise an online Beltane ritual together, or plan a visualisation or spell you can each do separately at a co-ordinated time and then check back in with each other later to check how it went for everyone. 
• Many well-known Pagans are offering on-line meditations and rituals you can join, so check out the websites and Facebook pages of your favourite Pagan leaders/writers/etc to see what is on offer. 
• Beltane is all about pleasure, beauty and love, so show yourself a bit of self-love and devise a pampering ritual as a way to celebrate. Cleanse in preparation by using your favourite toiletries - have a home-made facial - soak in scented bathwater - use a salt body scrub and moisturise afterwards with your most luxurious body lotion. Dress in your favourite clothes. Clean and tidy your altar. Put fresh flowers on it (if you can). Burn your favourite incense. Prepare your favourite food, and pour a glass of your favourite beverage (springwater? mead? freshly squeezed juice?). Light a candle and sit in front of your altar giving thanks for everything for which you're grateful. Home, health, relationship with deities, loved ones, pets, food on your table, hobbies, favourite books/songs/films, anything which brings you joy... Toast yourself, celebrate yourself with your homemade feast. Remember 'All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals'.
• If you are creative by nature, you could make your own mini-maypole as an altar decoration. Check out Pinterest for more inspiration.

In conclusion, with a little ingenuity and adaptation we can still celebrate the Wheel of the Year, even if we aren't able to do so in the way we would in more normal times. After all, even in those 'normal times' things don't always go to plan!

Above all, remember: Beltane is a celebration of life. Honour and protect your life and the lives of those around you by observing social distancing and staying home if you can. Blessed Be!

May 'Tree of Life'

The May issue of the free online magazine 'Pagan Pages' is now available. You can read my 'Tree of Life' column here:http://paganpages.org/content/2014/05/tree-of-life-7/

Spring Equinox Labyrinth

In a dimly candlelit room fragrant with sage, we walked the labyrinth one by one. Six women, each preparing by silently meditating on those things she wishes to shed from her life, then focussing them into a thread of yarn, to be carried into the labyrinth with her.
When the first was ready she stood by the entrance and was smudged with sage as a cleansing. She began to walk the coiling paths slowly, mindfully, reverently. There is only one way in, and one way out of a labyrinth (unlike the trickster-ish maze with its false leads and dead ends) and yet as the winding paths take you closer in to the centre then further away, then closer, further... you lose track of where you are, where you've been, and relinquish control of the journey to the labyrinth, focussing on the simple magic of one foot in front of another. Then suddenly - and it is always a surprise - you are There. At the centre of the labyrinth, the knife's edge, the place of transformation, mystery, paradox, where inward journey becomes outward journey.

At the centre of our labyrinth was a cauldron, in which to dispose of the 'things we wish to shed' yarn, which would later be burned. There was also a gorgeous Goddess altar with a beautiful Phillipa Bowers statue holding in Her lap an array of gifts for us. These were pretty little sparkly eggs in a rainbow of colours, each mounted on a stick, tied to which was a piece of card with a few words of wisdom from Her.

A few moments to be well and truly rid of the yarn and what it symbolises, some time communing with the Goddess and receiving your gift. And then back retracing your steps around and about the twists and turns, this time focussing on what you would like to draw into your life, what you are thankful for.

One by one we took our turn, and for once I had plenty to put into the cauldron. Money worries, fear, self-doubt, anxiety, dead-end job - I twisted it all almost savagely into my piece of yarn. I was eager to start, sure of myself and what I wanted. But the labyrinth has a strange way of... not so much taking over, but showing you, giving you, what you need. To start with, I was certain that I wanted drumming to accompany my journey, but I forgot to ask for it before I began, and strangely knew almost immediately that actually this was right for me. I needed to make this journey in silence.

I have walked many labyrinths, but on this occasion I found myself stumbling, even though the paths were smooth and easy to walk. My hips were stiff, my ankles felt weak, my back ached, my balance was off. What was wrong? I wanted to make this journey, I wanted to dump this stuff in the cauldron... didn't I?

And that was it, I realised. A part of me was very, very resistant to letting some of this stuff go. I slowed my pace, breathed, focussed. One foot in front of the other. Concentrate on what you're doing.

It came to me that my fear and self-doubt have been there so long, are so deep-rooted that they were not going to leave without a struggle. And some part of me was invested in keeping them there because they give me an excuse to hide, to not try too hard, to not take risks. It may not be a comfortable place to be but it's not as scary as putting yourself out there. I had a mental vision of a big root being pulled out of the soil by great effort and persistence, a root so big and solid that it leaves a hollow imprint of itself in the ground when it is gone. I was determined to grub that root out.

I felt it coming. I felt that plug of fear and self-doubt being pulled out of me, out of the top of my head from all the way down to the soles of my feet. I felt strangely empty, strangely clean. And a little queasy.

But then I could walk OK again. And suddenly I was there, at the centre of the labyrinth. I twisted the yarn in my fingers again, concentrated on focussing all those negatives into it once and for all. Goodbye self-doubt. Goodbye fear. Goodbye money worries, dead-end job, goodbye anxiety. I lifted the yarn to my mouth and blew it all in there. And then I let it drop into the cauldron, gone.

I knelt before the Goddess. At the start of the evening, I had been sure that at this point I would collapse in a weeping heap at Her feet. But the tears in my eyes were of fierce joy, and they did not fall. I thanked Her from my very heart. And took the egg that called to me.

As I walked back out my steps were sure, and I smiled. I kept repeating to myself a new mantra: "I am strong. I am resourceful. I am capable. I will start my own business. I can DO this!". And I knew it was true. As I left the labyrinth I was beaming.

As the others completed their own journeys, I held the space and helped drum for those who wanted it. When we were all done, we looked at each other in wonder. It had been a powerful and moving experience for everyone.

With the lights turned back on and the kettle put to boil for some much needed tea and coffee, we read our messages from the Goddess to each other. Every one was completely right for the woman who had taken it. Mine read, "Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try". And of course, every decision to try starts with overcoming fear and self-doubt. I have shed a long-carried burden. I have been given instructions for the next part of the journey. And it's OK, because "I am strong. I am resourceful. I am capable. I will start my own business. I can DO this!".
(Thank you to the ladies of the Carmarthen Moonlodge for their facilitation and sharing of this journey.)

*****

Post script: The very next day I went down with an absolutely horrendous cold which has completely knocked me for six. I suspect this may be a physical manifestation of rooting out those negative emotions. That was a very powerful labyrinth!


*****

There is just about everything you could want to know about labyrinths on Sig Lonegren's geomancy.org page. His books are also excellent, and I recommend going to hear him speak if you get the chance.

Moments of Radiance

Yesterday we held our Mabon (Autumn Equinox) Ritual. It is starting to feel like a tradition each autumn: during the ritual we write those things we'd like to shed from our lives onto leaves and then burn them in the cauldron; take stock of the year's blessings and take an apple from the altar to symbolise those blessings; and finally pass around a basket of hazelnuts, taking it in turns to give them to each other - a nut for each wish or blessing we want to bestow. This symbolises the sharing of our year's harvest.

The ritual is always emotional, moving and heart-warming as people speak of the negatives they want to shed, then move on to the good things they harvest and finally bless each other in turn with lovely hazelnut-wishes.

Afterwards the group gathered in my kitchen as I finished preparing the mushroom quiche and apple crumble we were about to consume. Pinky and Suzanne were in the corner discussing tarot decks, IB and Dom compared mead recipes at the kitchen table, and all the while Sid serenaded us on his flute, moving from Ave Maria, through some Irish jigs to Ravel's Bolero.

I looked around at the lovely people assembled in my home, as the sun streamed in through the windows, the smells of the feast to come permeated the room, and the lovely ethereal music wove its way through all. And I felt a blaze of happiness. This is what I have always wanted, a group of true friends, a meaningful spiritual path, a comfortable home in which to gather and share with those friends in celebration and love.

Sometimes in life we are happy without even knowing it, only realising how precious a moment is after it has passed, and sometimes we are lucky enough to recognise true happiness in the moment. At this year's harvest I was truly blessed with an opportunity to recognise and count my blessings in a moment of radiance.

May we all be so fortunate. Blessed Be!

Summer Solstice Blessings

Yesterday, I joined with friends to celebrate the Summer Solstice. In the garden of one of the Moot members, we first blessed the area he has earmarked for what will eventually become a stone circle within a grove of trees. The area already feels magical, sacred. I hope we will all celebrate many more festivals together there over the coming years.

Then, as the evening sun slanted through tall trees we watched a ritual drama unfold. The Oak King and Holly King battled for supremacy - the Holly King (of winter) eventually claiming victory over the Oak King (of summer) whose strength begins to decline along with the sun now that the longest day has passed.

However, the visualisation that followed reminded us that there is still plenty of summer left to come, many more blue skies and sunny days before the cool breath of autumn is felt on our skin. The visualisation took us to a midsummer celebration where we took stock of our many blessings at this time, and afterwards we were each given a pouch (handknitted by Pinky) to which we added shells and beads to symbolise those blessings. I took a small, yet perfect spiral shell for mine, which seemed to me to sum up the simple contentment with life that I currently feel.

Having found myself again I have also found new love. My relationship with - well, let's call him IB for now - is blossoming and I am very, very happy.

I am planning for my future and examining ways that I may be able to stay at Halfway Up A Hill, instead of moving as I first thought I would have to when T and I parted.

I have begun co-teaching a series of magickal workshops with a friend, which are going even better than expected and bringing in a little extra cash.

And later this week, my parents will finally - after all kinds of delays and disappointments over the last two years or so - move into their new home, about 10 miles from me. It will be so lovely to have them close by.

So many blessings, summed up in one tiny shell.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

British Reclaiming Beltane Ritual, Portsmouth 2007

My friend Paul posted on his blog recently about his frustrations with less than perfect rituals, and it has got me thinking. I know where he is coming from. Anyone with a few rituals under their belt will have experienced how widely the quality of ritual can vary, from good to bad through to downright ugly. Paul's post has got me really thinking about what makes a good ritual, what makes a for a satisfying ritual experience? And what makes a ritual disappointing or ineffective, boring or pointless?

Some of it of course is due to the quality of 'performance' (for want of a better word) of the participants. Obviously some people are better suited to this than others - the person with self-confidence, a strong, clear voice, a good sense of timing, a flair for the dramatic, for example will be great at circle casting, invoking, ritual drama, etc. Other important skills are the ability to sense and move the energy of the ritual and its participants, an awareness of the other participants and their needs, and an ability to think on ones' feet and ad-lib if necessary. Then of course there are the skills for specific tasks: leading a trance, drumming, fire tending, story telling, energy raising to name but a few.

Not everyone will have all these skills. Infact most people will not have many (if any) of them when they start out doing ritual. And herein lies part of our problem: to learn these skills you have to practice them. And that means your first few attempts at practising them in ritual will probably be pretty shaky. But the good news is that pretty much all of these skills can be learned - and as with most things in life, practice makes perfect.

In the meantime the ritual as a whole will not be perfect, because the person practising and learning new skills is not yet perfect. But I can live with that. It may take time, but I am happy to take that time and trust that progress is being made. Paul quoted Isaac Bonewits as saying "Sincerity is not a substitute for competence", but as I replied, "Sincerity is NOT a substitute for competence, that's true. But how do you get to be competent without practice?".

I also said "...I'm comfortable with the odd fluffed line/inaudible invocation/need for prompting. I'd rather have that and a down-to-earth, inclusive ritual where everyone feels a part of what's going on than a high-falutin' word-perfect affair where the HP & HPS 'perform' the whole thing flawlessly and the rest of the group serves as a mute audience to proceedings. But that's just my personal preference."

In this respect my background in Reclaiming Witchcraft is probably a big factor. Starhawk uses the acronym EIEIO to describe Reclaiming style ritual thus:

"Ecstatic: in that we aim to create a high intensity of energy that is passionate and pleasurable. Improvisational: We value spontaneity within the overall structure of our rituals, encourage people to create liturgy in the moment rather than script it beforehand, to respond to the energy around us rather than predetermine how it should move. Ensemble: In our larger group rituals, we work with many priest/esses together taking different roles and performing different functions that, ideally, support each other like the members of a good jazz ensemble. We encourage a fluid sharing of those roles over time, to prevent the development of hierarchy and to allow each person to experience many facets of ritual. Inspired: Because we each have access to the sacred, we are each capable of creating elements of ritual. Although we honor the myths, the poems, the songs and the stories that have come down to us from the past, we are not bound by the past, for divine inspiration is constantly present in each of us. Organic: We strive for a smooth, coherent flow of energy in a ritual that has a life of its own to be honored. Our rituals are linked to the rhythms of cyclical time and organic life."

Personally, I really value all of the above ingredients in a Reclaiming ritual, though obviously they can have a downside too. Sometimes the inspiration just isn't flowing, or the improvisation stumbles or feels forced, or the ensemble aspect means people with less experience or a bad headache that day fluff their lines or forget the chant or invoke the elements in the wrong order. But for me what is important is that perfect or not, everyone is truly involved, truly in the moment and truly part of the whole.

Not that I don't appreciate a perfectly-executed, truly smooth-running, meaningful and transformative ritual. In an ideal world, that's what I'd like all rituals to be, and what I strive for each time I'm part of a ritual. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't, and I'm grateful to Paul for making me think deeply about why some rituals really work well, and why some really, really don't.

As part of that process I've been looking back at the rituals that have made a big impression on me. What did the really good ones have in common? What about the bad ones? And what about the ugly ones?

The really good ones seem to have had the following in common: good planning; a clear intention; a clear understanding by the participants of the intention; genuinely transformative power; honesty; beauty; smooth and powerful energy raising; good priestessing*.

The bad ones? Unclear intention; confused participants; long, boring, or overly repetitious content; messy energy work; lack of focus; poor planning; slapdash priestessing etc. I also find I dislike pointless rituals - those held merely for the sake of doing a ritual, and those where people just want to get off on the energy, instead of raising energy for a specific purpose (getting a high off it is not a specific purpose in my book!).

The ugly - ugh. Priestesses acting out of ego instead of in service to their community - there are plenty of divas out there. Ritual being used as a space to settle personal scores/pick fights/point score/wield power-over. Priestesses being completely oblivious to the energy or needs of the ritual participants. Ritual performed whilst seriously intoxicated**.

Luckily, in my experience the ugly are pretty few and far between, and the good pretty much outweigh the bad or the mediocre (or perhaps I'm blocking those memories!).

In future I intend to keep the lists above in mind to try and ensure that the rituals I am involved with hit the mark and hopefully avoid the pitfalls. But I will also bear in mind that nothing and no one is perfect. I was pretty hopeless at ritual when I started. Now I have a fair degree of competence, and I believe I am improving all the time. I look at people more experienced than myself and aim for their level of skill. And hopefully when I attain it, I will aim to polish and perfect it still further. There is no finish line to cross, we are all works in progress. And in the meantime, as those works progress, the rituals will continue to get better and better.

So Mote It Be!

Water Altar, Carmarthenshire Pagan Community Network Summer Solstice Ritual 2007

* In Reclaiming we tend to use the word 'priestess' for both - well, actually all - sexes. We're just like that. ;-)

** I'm not against the use of psychoactive substances for ritual purposes per se. Whilst all public Reclaiming rituals are drug and alcohol-free (to make them safe for those in recovery from substance addiction), I have nothing against the use of plant allies/psychoactive substances or whatever you want to call them in non-pubic ritual if they are treated as a genuine sacrament. What I really dislike is people getting recreationally f***ed up on drink or drugs just for the hell of it and then attempting to do ritual. It's disrespectful and pointless.

Autumn Equinox

Gathering in the temple, we created elemental altars together. One each for earth, air, fire, water and spirit. Draped cloths in each of the four quarters, plus one in the centre of our circle were adorned with flowers, crystals, feathers, candles, shells, incense... The temple space was cleansed with incense and salt water. We cleansed each other and entered...

Together in our peaceful sanctuary, we grounded, cast a circle and invoked the elements, Deities and other Mysterious Ones.

In this time of balance and change, we wrote on leaves those things we would shed and cast them into the cauldron to be transformed. In this time of harvest, we took apples, naming them for those things we would gratefully reap and take with us into the dark half of the year. In this time of community celebration we gifted eachother with hazelnuts, naming them for the blessings we would wish on eachother.

In this time of Autumn Equinox I gathered with good friends in celebration, shed my fears and tears and grief, held on to my hopes and blessings, and discovered all the good things others wish for me. In this pause from routine, this place of balance between light and dark, summer and winter, when day and night stand as equals, I felt the shift and realised that both balance and change are necessary.

The universe is in a fine dance between stasis and chaos. And so am I. This time of upheaval in my life may well turn out to be a blessing. I am certain that it will be a time of growth and learning.

Blessed Be.

P.S. Paul's account of the ritual is here.

Beltane 2008

Last year I celebrated Beltane in Portsmouth at the British Reclaiming Spring Gathering.

This year I helped create a ritual for members of my local Pagan Moot, although the invitation was also sent out on the Carmarthenshire Pagans yahoo list so that any Pagans in the Carmarthenshire area who wanted to come along could. It was held on a warm, sunny Saturday afternoon in a room on the top floor of an old pub in Carmarthen that has recently been converted by friends of mine into a really wonderful magic shop.

Here's what I wrote in my journal afterwards:

Beltane 2008

The creak and dark of a town-centre upstairs room, warm early summer light and life filtering in through shaded windows.

Altars to the five elements: silky fabric, candles, shells, stones, feathers, flowers, incense, crystals...

Stockinged feet on worn oak floorboards.

Collaborative circle casting, element calling.

Quiet visualisation, smiles.

Singing softly, weaving bracelets.

Sharing visions...

'May you never hunger, may you never thirst'.

Soft laughter together, new friendships blossom.

Reluctance to part, this quiet friendly time and space apart from the hustling bustling world is sacred, precious.

Helping hands pack away, graciously help to carry.

Hugs, kisses, thanks, see you soon!

Parting.

Going home.

Tired, happy.

I hope you all had a good Beltane too!

Returning to Balance

Happy Summer Solstice!

It has been a strange week. T had taken time off work to finish painting the house, a job he started last summer but didn't get completed before the autumn weather closed in. Unfortunately he chose the wrong week. It has rained, rained and then rained again. He erected the scaffolding for the job last weekend, and yesterday he finally admitted defeat and took it down, unused. Of course, today the sun finally came out.

Yesterday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year, when the sun is at its peak (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere that is). From now on, the days will gradually shorten, imperceptibly at first. Although it's hard to grasp right now, with summer really getting into her stride, we are re-entering the dark half of the year. For the sun, it's all down hill from here.

It has made me think about balance and imbalance. For the last week or so I feel like I've been way out of balance - at full stretch, trying to juggle so many projects and tasks that at times I've felt completely overwhelmed. Each day has been completely filled with activity, carrying on until bedtime and resuming early the next morning. It's been the same for T; although he hasn't been able to get on with painting the house as he planned, he still has a huge mountain of other tasks to work on - getting our wind generator up and running, chopping & stacking the wood from the trees felled by winter gales, and remodelling our kitchen just to name a few. As a result, the week of him being at home that we were both looking forward to has ended up with us hardly seeing each other. And I know that when we have been together, I've mostly been stressed and tetchy.

Yesterday I hosted a Summer Solstice Ritual for members of my local Pagan Moot. It was something I'd committed to before things got so crazy, and I didn't want to cancel - although it was tempting at times. I've been wanting to build Pagan community here, celebrate the Wheel of the Year with others, make connections. Of course, like all the best-laid plans it didn't quite work out as I'd expected: for one thing the awful weather meant my lovingly conceived outdoor ritual had to be scrapped and another put together at pretty short notice. Being forced to celebrate indoors also meant that far from enjoying the beauty and serenity of the June garden my guests had to negotiate the building site that currently passes for my kitchen. No matter. The living room was beautifully decorated with vases of flowers, draped saris, representations of the elements and deities, and candles and incense. The ritual went smoothly and a good time was had by all. We may even do it again!

Late to bed, I had an amazing dream, in which a beautiful pure white swallow nestled trustingly in my hands. I was filled with the most amazing feeling of serenity and calm, just knowing that everything would be alright.

I awoke this morning feeling calm. Although I still have a mountain of things to do, and I probably should be worrying myself into a lather about the Summer Gathering, the new bees, the slugs and rabbits in the vegetable patch and the state of the kitchen, somehow I can't. T and I have worked hard today, but for the first time all week we have also made time for ourselves and each other. We picked summer berries in the sun together, ate lunch together, had proper conversations, and smiled and laughed together.

I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband, who has taken time to help me with my workload even while struggling with his own, has held my hand and calmed me when I've got overwhelmed and tearful, listened to my woes, and last night endured a houseful of strangers celebrating a festival he doesn't really 'get' - all because he knows it's important to me. I'm so lucky to have him keeping me balanced even when everything else seems way off-kilter. I hope I do the same for him.