Embracing Autumn: Cosy

Last week's golden Indian Summer weather has turned into blustery winds and lashing rain. This morning when I went out to the chicken run, the storms had damaged the overhead netting that protects our flock from buzzards and goshawks. Slipping in mud and squinting through rain-splashed eyes, I struggled to tie everything securely back into place, with cold slippery fingers.

How delicious then, to come back into the warm house, cast off my sodden jacket and boots, towel my hair dry and curl up with a hot cup of coffee and a few pages of a good book. 

This is definitely one of the great pleasures of Autumn and Winter. Cold, wet weather and short, dark days make one truly appreciate cosiness. The Danish word 'Hygge' is often now used in the UK. As I understand it, its one of those words that has no direct English translation but it's usually used (in English) to mean cosy or comfortable. It's a good word, but I have to confess to loving the English word 'cosy', which seems to have been a little bit pushed to one side in the enthusiastic  embracing of 'Hygge'.

When I hear 'cosy' I think of curling up under soft quilts and blankets, sitting round a crackling log fire with loved ones, a gentle candlelit glow, a warming mug of hot chocolate, fleecy slippers and snuggly scarves. It brings memories of the nights when, as a very small and sleepy child I was wrapped securely in a fluffy blanket for the journey home from my Grandparents' house. It makes me imagine hibernating animals in their dens, overwintering safely and securely through the harshest weather. It makes me eager to dig out sheepskin boots, favourite jumpers, quilted coats.

Here's to being cosy - one of Autumn's great pleasures.

Embracing Autumn: Lean Into Cosy

As Autumn winds begin to blow and the temperatures start to drop, embrace the opportunity to make life more cosy.

• Reacquaint yourself with flannel shirts, chunky sweaters, woolly socks or tights, comfy cardigans, boots, slippers, velvet and corduroy...
• Put a soft blanket or throw on the sofa so you can cuddle up under it in the evenings
• Enjoy candlelit evenings and early mornings
• Swap frappuccinos for cappuccinos, iced tea for steaming mugs of tea, chocolate milkshakes for hot chocolate and whipped cream...
• Enjoy a log fire in the hearth, or a bonfire in the garden
• Cosy up your home with increased insulation, thick curtains, draft excluders etc
• Pile up your bed with cushions, throws and blankets
• From within your snuggly sanctuary, listen to the rain against the windows and the wind in the trees, and appreciate the simple blessings of 'cosy'.              

ThriftWitch: Home Protection Charm

I came up with this Home Protection Charm a few years ago, when we were feeling a bit vulnerable. I've maintained it since then, which includes refreshing the ingredients periodically. When I did this recently I thought it would be the perfect time to take some photos of the process and share it on the blog. 

  

To make your charm you will need the following:

• A small lidded glass jar
• Some thorns (if you can't get thorns you could use pins)
• Some small pieces of mirror 
• A small square of paper and a marker pen
• A small length of fine wire or yarn, tangled
• Some dried rosemary 

I snipped my thorns off some blackthorn twigs I'd pruned from the hedge. Late winter/early spring is a great time to find thorns, before the foliage has grown back and obscured them. I like using blackthorn thorns as the plant is used in protective spells, and in Ireland it was used to make shillelaghs - a fighting stick or club used for self-defence. Blackthorn is fierce and uncompromising (just the qualities you'd want to be defending you and your home) and its use in the countryside to create impenetrable stock-proof hedges makes it a great enforcer of boundaries. Take care when using blackthorn though as the thorns are extremely sharp and are notorious for causing wounds which become infected.

To assemble your charm, use your marker pen to inscribe the rune 'Algiz' on your square of paper. Algiz is a protective rune, and the square shape of the paper symbolises stability and strength. Put the rune-inscribed paper in the bottom of your jar to create a firm foundation for the energy of the charm. 

Scatter your pieces of mirror on top of the paper. These are intended to 'bounce back' any negative energy that is sent your way. I have a container in which I keep any bits and bobs I come across that I think may be useful for spellwork or art projects, so I had some small pieces of broken mirror and a small round shisha mirror that had come loose from an embroidered Indian cushion, but if you don't have any suitable bits of mirror you could use beads or any small thing with a reflective surface (even cut-up fragments of an old CD, or pieces of a shattered Christmas bauble would do).

Next add your thorns or pins. This adds a strong layer of defensive energy to the charm. Try to ensure the points are all facing in different directions to guard against threats from any source.

Sprinkle in a pinch or two of a dried protective herb. I used rosemary - I find kitchen herbs are just as effective as other magical herbs and they have the advantage of being easy to come by and not too expensive. But you could substitute other herbs if you prefer - consult a good witch's herbal or check an online list such as this one if you're not sure what to use. 

The last item to add is a piece of fine wire or yarn which has been tangled up. This echoes the old folk idea that evil spirits become tangled in such things, or are compelled to spend time unknotting or untangling them. Either way, while they are so occupied they are unable to cause any trouble!

The charm is complete!

Screw the lid tightly onto the jar, and place it by the entrance to your home, or on a windowsill. Mine sits on a small, round mirror (more reflective power!) on the kitchen windowsill overlooking the entrance to my home. I just have the one Home Protection Charm, but you could make more if you wanted to. 

Periodically - say once a year, or more frequently if you feel the need - tip out the contents of your jar and re-make it to keep the energy fresh and strong. When I do this, I put the herbs and thorns in the compost bin and add fresh ones, burn the paper with the rune on and re-inscribe it on a fresh square of paper, and re-tangle the wire/yarn before returning it to the jar.

  

 

Winter Blessings and Beauties, Day 33: Create a Winter Sanctuary Bedroom

 

Curled up in bed is a wonderful place to be during Winter, perhaps more so than at any other time of year! With darkness falling early and the chilly temperatures, what could be better than snuggling into your soft, warm bed with a good book? 

Winter Blessings and Beauties: Day 33

Create a Winter Sanctuary Bedroom

Make your Winter bedroom a special cosy sanctuary where you can dream away the long dark nights.

• Make sure the bed is made up with clean, fresh bedding. Cosy it up with plump pillows, flannelette sheets and plenty of blankets and quilts to nestle under.
• Choose some deliciously scented candles, a vase of flowers, bowl of pot-pourri or a pillow-spray to fragrance the room.
• Have a shawl to hand to wrap around your shoulders if you want to sit up in bed reading so you don't get cold.
• Invest in a hot water bottle with a fluffy cover that you can cuddle up to on seriously chilly nights.
• Consider the lighting - a few lamps dotted around the room, perhaps fitted with warm-coloured light bulbs will shed a soft, restful light. Or string fairy lights around  the room. If you intend to read though, make sure you have adequate light to avoid eyestrain.
• A small stack of books by the bed ensures a choice of reading material - or DVDs if you like watching films in bed!
• Take up a drink or snacks if you like - but make sure you have somewhere safe to put them so they won't get knocked over. Having to shampoo the carpet or change the bedclothes is not a relaxing experience at bed time! It may be safer to take a lidded bottle of water or a flask of hot tea or chocolate.
• A soft, fluffy rug by the bed makes getting out of bed in the mornings a slightly less traumatic experience!

      

 

 

 

Blessed by Bees

The walls of the house here at Halfway Up A Hill are about 18" thick, the construction of local stone and slate. The house was built in the 1930's but its traditional style makes it look older.

In one corner of the kitchen is a cupboard, recessed into the wall adjacent to the chimney breast. Here the walls are even thicker because of the chimney. I assume the cupboard was used as a primitive fridge, as there's a vent to the outside that allows the circulation of fresh air. In winter it's quite effective, and we have used it to store excess fruit and vegetables when our own fridge has been struggling to cope (although mostly it has cookware and crockery in it).

A couple of weeks ago I returned home from work to find the kitchen full of honeybees. They were entering through the vent in the cupboard - a swarm had found the vent and decided it looked like the perfect place to set up their new colony. By opening the windows and blocking the vent where it opened into the cupboard I managed to vacate the kitchen of bees. I imagined that with the vent blocked inside, there wouldn't be enough room for the new hive and the colony would vacate. But there must be more space in the walls than I imagined as they have stuck around, and can be seen industriously zooming in and out of the vent in the outer wall by the patio at the side of the house. It's just above head height, so the bees and I don't bother each other in our comings and goings. I decided I rather liked having them there, it feels like a blessing on the house. 

This morning I discovered something even more wondrous: when I open the cupboard I can faintly hear the humming of the hive, hundreds of bees gently buzzing as they go about their work building and tending their home. It sounds like some kind of distant choir. It's the kind of soothing sound that could lull you to sleep, like distant gulls and gentle waves on the shore or the soft patter of rain on leaves. 

I imagine the orderly world taking shape within the walls of the house, and the sweetness being created there. My house is truly blessed by bees.

ThriftWitch: Home From Home Charm

As a Cancerian, the concept of 'home' is very important to me. I am a home-loving person, and as I have mentioned before, my natural inclination is to put down roots. However, my idea of 'home' isn't confined to mere bricks and mortar, or that place I lay my head at night. Nor is it merely somewhere 'everybody knows your name' – although it can be all or none of these. I think for me, home is very definitely where the heart is.

I have been lucky enough to live in several different parts of the world, all of which remain dear to me in different ways. There are other places I love that have never physically been home to me. But I feel 'at home' whenever I am there.

This precious feeling of being in a place where you feel you truly belong is at the heart of feeling grounded and centred. The ability to ground and centre yourself is of course a very important basic magical skill, the starting point for everything else. To do effective magic, to enact ritual or ceremony, to move energy, you need to feel sure of yourself, certain of where you are and where you intend to go. This is why you need to know how to ground and centre yourself. The feeling of being grounded and centred is the same feeling you get when you are in your true home - as I said earlier, not necessarily that place of bricks and mortar, but that place where you feel relaxed, centred in yourself and where you can fully and truly be your authentic self. 

The Home From Home Charm is a way of condensing down the essence of the place(s) that you call home and being able to carry that essence with you wherever you go. Your charm can be used as a short-cut way of grounding and centring yourself, or it can be a magical item you carry with you when you are away from home yet want to keep its essence with you. You could also make Home From Home Charms as gifts for loved ones – while they are away in hospital, travelling, or studying. It would be a lovely gift to go in the backpack of a child as a comforter on their first day of school.

As with all ThriftWitch projects it requires little expenditure - just a bit of forethought and planning! You need a container for the charm - a little cork-stoppered glass jar or bottle is cute and looks good on a portable altar. If there's a chance it might get a bit of a batterin g while you're travelling it might be better to use a small plastic bottle or container (with lid), or a fabric, felt or leather/suede pouch. If you're really travelling light you could use a Ziploc bag.

What you put into your charm is entirely up to you, as what means 'home' will be different for everyone. But here are some suggestions to get you started:

• A tiny pinch of soil from your garden or special place.
• A tiny scrap of fabric snipped from the furnishings of a favourite room (curtains, duvet, quilt, cushion). You only need a tiny bit and should be able to find a suitable seam or hem to take a teeny bit from without ruining the item in question!
• Some dried flowers or herbs from your garden (a pinch only)
• Is there a particular smell that means home to you? You could add a spritz of your loved one's cologne or perfume on a scrap of fabric to your container; a chip of scented candle wax; a small piece of joss stick or incense; a chip of cinnamon or vanilla pod; a drip of essential oil or even a spritz of furniture polish on a piece of cotton wool...
• A lock of hair or snippet of fur from your loved one(s) and/or pet(s)
• A piece of twig or bark from a beloved tree
• A small shell or pebble from 'your' beach
• Small photos of a place or loved ones
• Any symbols that mean 'home' to you - either small symbolic objects or sigils or runes inscribed on paper
• A button from a loved one's shirt

These are just ideas to get you started. Only you can know what will be meaningful to you, and bring a smile to your face when you look at your charm. As this is intended to be a small, portable magical item suitable for travelling with, be careful not to get too carried away and add large items/too much. Travelling light is always the best idea! In all cases, if you're travelling internationally, tailor the contents of your charm carefully to avoid attracting the wrath of customs officials - many countries will not allow soil, vegetable or animal matter to be imported.

The only thing that I suggest you definitely include in your charm is a small snail shell, which is a perfect symbol for the ability to carry your home with you wherever you go! You can either put this in your container with all the other items, or glue it to the lid or perhaps thread it on a piece of yarn or ribbon and tie it round the neck of the container.

Once assembled, either start using your charm straight away or consecrate it first in your preferred manner.  

With a little tweaking and some appropriate magic, the Home From Home Charm could easily be adapted into a protective amulet for those beings and places you love. 

ThriftWitch: Magical Spring Cleaning

As you may have realised from my Clean Start Soap Spell, I am a great believer in the power of magical cleansings. They clear away the metaphysical cobwebs, make space for new growth and keep the energy flowing. Whatever is going on in our lives there is always some stuff that we have outgrown, got saddled with or need to let go of - and what better way to get that process going with a magical spring clean? And of course at this time of year - the Spring Equinox, as the days become longer than the nights and everything goes into growth overdrive - a good spring clean is most appropriate.

What makes a spring clean magical? As with all things, it's in the intention. Do your spring clean mindfully, keeping your thoughts on those things in your life you wish to clear away, or on making space to draw in that which you desire.

You can also make your own cleaning products, which have the advantage of being cheap, effective, environmentally friendly and can be tailored to your magical intentions.

My favourite natural cleaning products are bicarbonate of soda (mildly abrasive and a natural deodoriser), white vinegar (disinfects, cuts through grease), and a selection of aromatherapy oils (depending on which you choose these can be antiseptic, antiviral, antifungal, aromatic and can have magical associations).

Here are some ways to use your natural cleaning products:

• Use a few drops of vinegar in a bucket of water to clean windows, mirrors or glass surfaces with a damp cloth, then polish dry with a sheet of scrunched up newspaper - guaranteed to give a streak free finish! While doing so you could be asking your deity or ally of choice to help you see clearly that which you need to see.
• Sprinkle baths, shower stalls, sinks or tiled surfaces with bicarbonate of soda and scour clean with a damp cloth. I say 'scour' but though it's very effective, it is actually quite gentle. Rinse clean and polish any chrome fittings with a dry cloth until they sparkle! Take the opportunity to meditate on whatever you wish to wash away out of your life as you do so.
• Use a few drops of essential oil on a damp dishcloth to wipe down surfaces around the home. Almost all essential oils have disinfectant properties and they smell great.

If you're not sure which essential oils to choose, some of the best for killing germs around the home include thyme, oregano, cinnamon, cloves, lavender, tea tree or pine. Tea tree is also antifungal, so can be used to tackle any mould in damp areas like bathrooms or around windows. Do note though, that some of these (particularly thyme, oregano and cinnamon) can irritate sensitive skin, so consult a good aromatherapy book if you're not already familiar with essential oils. If you want to choose your oils for their magical associations, a good magical herbal (such as 'Herbcraft: A Guide to the Shamanic and Ritual Use of Herbs' by Anna Franklin and Susan Lavender) will help guide your choice.

Or, if you'd just like a good-smelling general purpose oil, you could try one of these. The first blend is favourite of mine, a zingy citrus-floral blend, perfect for spring: 

• 10 drops lemon oil
• 10 drops orange oil
• 10 drops geranium oil
• 5 drops rosemary oil

A delicious spicy blend for the winter:

• 15 drops orange oil
• 5 drops cloves oil
• 5 drops cinnamon oil (optional - personally I like the simplicity of the orange/cloves version, but adding cinnamon is a nice variation.)

A refreshing herbal blend for summer:

• 10 drops thyme
• 10 drops rosemary
• 10 drops lavender
• 10 drops tea tree

In all cases mix the oils together and store in a tightly lidded glass bottle. Use a couple of drops on a damp cloth to wipe down kitchen surfaces.

Vinegar is a great non-toxic disinfectant to use around the home, and although the smell is not to everyone's taste it doesn't tend to linger once it's dried. But if you'd like to get a better fragrance you can infuse the vinegar with citrus peel - chop up lemon, orange or grapefruit peel and use to loosely fill a wide-necked jar with a tight-fitting lid (a Kilner jar is perfect). Pour in enough white vinegar to cover the citrus peel and leave in a warm place for at least a fortnight. Strain the vinegar and bottle.

Alternatively, you could try making the legendary 'Vinegar of the Four Thieves'. The story goes that a group of thieves were able to rob plague victims during an outbreak of the disease by protecting themselves with this disinfectant brew. There are many different recipes for Vinegar of the Four Thieves, but the version I've used involves steeping sage, rosemary, wormwood, rue, lavender and thyme in cider vinegar. Garlic is an ingredient listed in many versions of the recipe, but I opted to omit it for house-cleaning purposes as I didn't want the place smelling like a pizzeria!

So throw open the windows to let the spring air in, grab your besom and start sweeping away the literal and spiritual dust and dirt (widdershins, naturally). When you have finished, before you sit down for that well-earned cup of tea, take a few moments to light a candle, naming as you do so those qualities that you wish to draw into your newly-cleaned space. Nature abhors a vacuum after all, so make sure you not only clear away what is no longer needed, but that you consciously invite in those things that you hope to nurture through the coming summer months.

Blessed Be!

         

Taking Eggs to Mair Part 2

Today, having been ill with a 24-hour bug, I forgot to take a box of eggs down the hill to Mair until 9pm.

The walk down couldn't have been more different to last week. This week I walked in rainy dark, not sun. And I thought of all the times I have walked up and down this hill in the 11 years I have lived at Halfway Up A Hill. I have walked in sun, in rain, in wind, in snow, by moonlight and in pitch dark. I have walked at dawn, and midday, and afternoon, at twilight and at night. I have walked in spring and summer and autumn and winter.

This evening it was still just light enough not to need the torch I took with me. Rain streaming off the fields ran down the edges of the road. Bareheaded, I enjoyed the sensation of raindrops on my hair. The only sound was falling rain, and the rushing of the swollen stream. No owls, no foxes, even the sheep were silent in the fields. Accompanied only by the bats swooping overhead. The smell of rain and woodsmoke. Down in the valley the few street lights glowed orange; the headlights of an occasional car swept along the road. Across the hills, the scattered lights of surrounding farms. Back up this hill, only the warm glow of lights at Halfway Up a Hill are visible.


Isn't this one of the ways we connect with the spirit of a place? By repeating a journey, an action, a chore, week after week so that we experience the place in all its many moods and modes? I am envious of the people whose families have walked these hills for generations. I imagine a bone-deep knowledge of the land.  My own relationship with this land will never have those accumulated ages of connection. But I approach the spirit of this place in friendship, with respect and openness. And as I open to Her, she opens to me and reveals Her many layers. Like any relationship, work, patience and understanding are required. But the rewards are well worth it.

Falling In Love Again

A favourite cushion with an old vintage mirror that belonged to my Nanna

How quickly time passes. Only three years ago, I was still married - and oblivious to any hint of trouble. Now I have been divorced for over a year and a half, and my life is so different.

I am still at Halfway Up A Hill though, which when T first left, I never expected. I thought we would have to sell up and split the proceeds. Then, when we agreed that I could keep the house as part of the divorce settlement, I fully expected to sell up and move on anyway. Too many memories here.

Funny how things turn out, isn't it? With the collapse of the housing market, I resigned myself to staying put and just redecorating and smartening the place up for a couple of years until the economy picked up and I could sell. But over the past couple of years, I have started to see this familiar house with new eyes. By slowly, but surely putting my own mark on things, I have begun to fall in love with the place again. The painful memories are gradually being erased with each fresh coat of paint.

A handpainted dresser top that was picked up for a few pounds at a car boot sale. Along with some of my china and knick-knacks! Most of the china was passed down by my grandparents.

T's taste was fairly conventional and minimalist. Mine is more hippy-witchy-shabbychic-vintage-bohemian; definitely not minimalist. Now I am free to indulge those preferences without restraint! The interior - and exterior - of the house is beginning to reflect my tastes and personality as it never did before.

The lawn - once so carefully tended by T each weekend - has been declared a wildflower meadow. I prefer the look of all those flowers, and life is too short to spend it mowing! The overgrown flowerbed by the kitchen door has been tidied and planted up with roses, hardy geraniums and fuschia, and is now thronging with happy, busy bees. Pots of flourishing geraniums and herbs surround the back door with colour and fragrance. Suncatchers and windchimes dangle from every window, paintings and vases and lanterns and plants, new cushions and throws decorate the rooms. I have fun creating seasonal altars around the house and garden.

I LOVE my pantry door, which was made to measure by my very talented friend, Harry.

IB loves this house, and I am starting to love it once again. This weekend we have put up some wall cupboards that I have painted with a distressed finish in my favourite colours. In the dining room hearth, a 'new' (secondhand!) woodburning stove is waiting to be installed in readiness for next winter. I am planning to add a porch to the back door, and a forest garden down the hill...

The new woodburning stove, waiting to be 'plumbed in'.

I thought there were too many memories here for me to stay. But would they really have dispersed just by moving location? The memories are a part of me, a part of my story. The trick, I am beginning to learn, is to hold on to the best of the past, and let go of the grief and the anger. And in the meantime, go on, creating new memories as you fall in love with life once again.

Says it all.

  

Happy New Year!

Last night, while the majority of people would have been partying away the last of the old year, I was sweeping the kitchen.

Remembering all the lore about sweeping away the old and making space for the new, I was suddenly seized with the desire to clean, clean, clean away the dregs of 2008 ready for a bright new start in 2009. So I swept and cleaned the kitchen and living areas, emptied all the rubbish, polished everything until it gleamed and paid special attention to cleaning the hearth (heart of the home).

I've never been a great one for New Year's Eve partying anyway. My Mum's family always celebrated it, probably because of their Scottish ancestry. New Year was a big deal, where the whole family had to stay up and welcome in the New Year or risk bad luck for the next twelve months. Just before midnight my Dad would be pushed out into the cold night, from where, as the tallest dark haired man in the party and armed with a lump of coal and a glass of whisky he would perform the duty of 'first footing'.

Since I left home I haven't really made a conscious effort to celebrate New Year, yet looking back, I don't think there have been many years that I haven't been awake to see it in, even if it has often been just T and I at home raising a glass to each other. Last night I had intended to go to bed early, but somehow it was 11.30pm before I knew it and it seemed daft to go to bed so close to midnight. So the cats and I welcomed in 2009 in company with Jools Holland.

This New Year morning it is cold and frosty again, white as a clean page. To keep up the sympathetic magic initiated with my cleaning session last night, I have decided to try to have a day in which I only put energy into the things I want to cultivate this year. I had a good start when some neighbourhood children came round to sing a New Year song (making community connections), later I will have a nice long soak in a Lush-scented bath (time for myself, pleasure) and then speak to my family on the phone and see my good friends Pinky & Harry (family & friendships). I will cook a spicy veggie chili for dinner (taking care of my body). And I suppose I ought to also find time to spend on making some more items for the Etsy shop (creativity, making money)!

I hope you all celebrated an enjoyable New Year, and I wish everyone a very Happy, Harmonious, Healthy and Prosperous 2009!

Blessed Be.

Out With The Old, In With The New

As the end of 2008 becomes imminent, I am consciously thinking about new starts. What do I want to shed, what do I want to invite in and nurture in my life?


Big changes are afoot - both material changes and more subtle ones. I have finally filed for divorce - although I knew this was the action I would ultimately take, I didn't want to rush into it without sitting with the idea for a while first. It felt important to let the notion sink in, to initiate things from a place of groundedness and centredness. I have finally arrived at that place, and the wheels have been set in motion.


The kitchen at Halfway Up A Hill is at last being renovated - after eight and a half years of making do with the grotty badly fitted kitchen that was here when we arrived. Of course the reason for this sudden progress is so that the house will be more saleable when that time comes. But in the meantime I will relish having a halfway decent kitchen. Who knows - I may even become keener on cooking!


And I am getting a new car.

It's farewell to my faithful old Escort - sadly becoming too expensive to keep patching up - and hello to my new Suzuki Alto, which I will be getting in just over a week's time. This is a smaller car with correspondingly lower costs (cheaper tax, lower petrol consumption, and hopefully less running repairs). I am sad to see the Escort go, I have had it since 2001 and it has always been very reliable, starting first time every time even if it has been standing out in the cold rain for a week.

How strange that all this is coming at once. All of these things have been in the pipeline for a while, but somehow it feels like gears are changing, things are falling into place and I am accelerating into 2009.

Last year I wished fervently for 2008 to be an improvement on 2007, which I described as feeling like a constant uphill struggle. Strangely enough, although 2008 has also turned out to have contained more than its fair share of doom, gloom and disaster for me and my loved ones, somehow I feel that a corner has been turned, and life whilst not exactly a bed of roses is certainly not an uphill struggle.

This evening as I went out to shut away the chickens and geese, a beautiful sliver of new moon was gleaming in the sky. I kissed my hand to her, and wished for a bright future.

May we all have a bright and Happy New Year!

Moonroot and Roots

[The photo shows part of a wrought iron gate in the garden of my grandparent's house in Essex]



Driving back to Wales from Essex, I took a bit of a nostalgic detour for the first part of my journey. From Maldon, Woodham Mortimer, through Danbury (where I first laid eyes on T when he was best man at Kevin and Ann's wedding), on to Great Baddow, where T and I first lived together. From there via Galleywood (where my cousin still lives) I cut across the common to Margaretting, down Maldon Road where my grandparents lived when I was young, past Margaretting school where my father went as a child and on to Ingatestone where I and my siblings went to school. From Ingatestone to Mountnessing with its distinctive windmill and so many childhood memories, before finally joining the A12, M25, M4 and back to Wales.



From weatherboard, pargetting and thatch houses to stone and slate cottages. From flat open fields and the big skies that inspired the likes of John Constable, to hills, valleys, waterfalls. From meandering lazy willow-lined rivers to tumbling trout streams. From a land of flint and clay to one of slate and clay.



I now call Wales home, but really, is it? I have lived here now for eight years and in that time I've made a conscious effort to really put down roots. Roots are very important to us home-loving Cancerians! But I sometimes wonder if I really have roots anywhere.



I was born and raised in Essex, as were my parents. But every one of my grandparents had come to Essex from elsewhere, their families originally from London, Somerset, Wales, Scotland, France. So I'm only second-generation Essex. Compare this with my neighbour from a farm just up the road from Halfway-Up-A-Hill. His family have lived on and farmed that same piece of land for eight hundred years. Eight. Hundred. Years. I find that continuity extraordinary. And I have been here in Wales only eight years! How can I possibly call it home?




I also lived in Australia for eighteen months, where I made a conscious effort not to put down roots as I knew we wouldn't be staying (very hard as rooting seems to be my default setting), yet it was still a place I came to love. I feel connections still to Melbourne, to Essex, and now to Wales.



So where is home? They say that home is where the heart is, but I find my heart scattered all over the place. I have dear ones in Essex, in London, in Kent, in Somerset, in Wales, in Australia, in America. They all have pieces of my heart... And now T has gone, is my heart still here at Halfway-Up-A-Hill?



Actually, it is becoming clear that whatever happens, I will have to move on from Halfway-Up-A-Hill. Without T, in the long run I will not be able to manage here on my own, either financially or practically. Sure, there will be a divorce settlement and T will provide for me financially, but it will not be practical to stay here. And perhaps a new start, new surroundings would be healthy. But where should I go? I think I shall probably stay in Wales, given that I have begun to feel part of the community here. But actually, in some respects, the world is my oyster. I could settle in Wales, or decide to explore Costa Rica. I could dig in for the long haul or pack a few belongings in a knapsack and follow my feet to wherever. Do I in fact, even need roots in one place?



As with most of my life at the moment, there seem to be more questions than answers. But at least that means that there are also choices, and opportunities, and the chance to start over. Which can't be bad.